What the Fluck just happened to my day?!
Yea, so my day started with exactly that phase coming out of my mouth. As if the night before wasn't strange enough. It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning up after dinner you know, all alone, in the kitchen, washing dishes and mindlessly staring out the front window. When picture this: A strange car pulls in front of my house woman gets out and runs to her passenger door. She grabs a cat carrier and rushes through the gates of my neighbors yard. (Remember we live at the end of a dead end street so I know this car does not belong here.) So this lady runs into the yard, opens the carrier and lets out like 5 frecking chikens!!! (And yes I've Googled it, their exact species is of the "Freckin' Chicken" variety ;o) Being a calm and sound minded woman I do the logical thing and RUN outside with my phone in tote. After snapping a picture of her car and license plate I patiently wait for her to run out of my neighbors yard. She sees me and I ask her what she is doing. She smiles this "crazy chicken lady" smile and shrugs her shoulders and says "Oh you know." "Oh, I KNOW?!" How the hell would I know what its like to randomly trespass into someone property and unload a crate full of chickens. Children maybe, but chickens?! Then she gives me this half laugh like "Oh I just murdered someone and stole their chickens." So I smiled and said "Well, I hope you have a great day." What else was I supose to do? I mean she clearly knows where I live. If I so much as threaten her I know I will spend the remainder of my days in this home cleaning eggs off my house. I mean come on! She's nuts and clearly has an undisclosed amount of eggs at her disposal. NOPE!!! I just smiled and bid her ado. I do not want to spend the next 30 years getting my house egged! I walk over and knock on my neighbors door, inform him of the "chicken dump-and-run" when he just laughs and says "Oh those chickens will be dead by morning. Do you know how many coyotes are around here?" Well, Shit! Now I've got to spend the rest of my evening trying to catch and save the poor innocent lives of these God damn chickens! I can't have their blood on my hands. So, let's wrap this up. Has anyone ever tried to catch a chicken?! Yup, damn near impossibe! But that's how I spent the rest of my night, trying to run around and catch chickens. So as you guessed that never happened. Those foul birds are FAST! So each morning we would wake up to the subtle cooing of 5 chickens outside our windows. (Mother F-ing chikens!!!! I'm exhausted and NO, 4 am is NOT my wake up time!) As the days progressed we heard less and less chickens clucking until one day there was one. One lone chicken in our yard. Of course I still tried to catch it but nope. I gave up the fight and this leads me to Wednesday morning (but like a week after the chicken dump and run.) I wake up after sleeping in till a ripe 5:15 am. No chicken sounds, no clucking, no cooing. Kind of a sad day and as I was brushing my teeth I said a little prayer to God to let those chickens be happy in Heaven. Got the boys ready for school, got ready for work. Pretty uneventful morning, we were even 5 minutes early when it happened. We walked out the door, backpacks and coffee in hand when we saw him. The lone chicken had slept on top of our new (used) white Mazda. At last! I had been given a chance of redemption to grab and save the soul of 1 chicken!!! I slowly dropped my cute, gold purse, set the coffee on the ground and slipped my heels off as I, with ballerina grace and sniper stealth I snuck to the chicken. I reached the car and the chickens eyes were still closed. I slowly reached with both hands when BOOM!!! My oh so quiet gand of 3 boys comes pouring out the front door like 3 drunken sailors in a bar fight! The poor chicken basically has a chicken heart attach and flies straight up in the air. Looks like he's attached to my white car with a string until I realize my boys were so loud the chicken literally shit himself as he was flying up. So there's chickens shit ALL over my car!!! Feathers flying, boys are screaming. I jump up tring to catch the mother F-er when he struts on to the other side of the car. We walk to that side..and HE WALKS to the other side! This goes on for about 10 minutes when I say srew it! I jump onto the car and the stupid chicken flies stright up and lands on the roof of my house. At this point I go inside, change clothes, get new coffee,. The kids are already late so really who gives a crap what time it is. As I walk to the car, again, I look up at him. Lone chicken is sitting on my roof and just tell him "Good luck dude. You're on your own." I still feel a little guilt when I realize its's been 3 weeks and no chicken sounds. But a little evil part of me says "I'm sorry I couldn't catch him God, but thank you for letting me sleep again." As I roll over and hit snooze. It's F*cking hot! I know, I know, Mom's don't cuss, right?! Ah ha ha ha!! Well they do when it's 104 degrees outside and they live in California, in the valley, you know the "armpit of California." Oh and did I mention I'm on day #4 without air conditioning? Yea, so like I said, I'm living in Hell.
Myself, my kids,my husband, dang, my cats and dogs make my house look like a murder scene. No but really, everyone is laying on the floor, stretched out, just not moving and barely breathing. It looks like an episode of CSI. Apparently my house is SO old the breaker box is shot and needs replacing. In the meantime our a/c is out due to the box being shotty and we can't get anyone out to look at it until Monday, you know, on account of it being the dead of summer in California and everyone and their brother's uncle needs their a/c fixed. We wake up sweating, sweat ALL day long and go to bed hot and...wait for it...exhausted (hehehe, you thought I was gonna say sweaty.) Heat takes a toll on a person, I'm cranky, hot, sweaty, but wait, there is an upside. With all this sweating my skin looks amaxing, I've lost 3 pounds and we basically go out for dinner each night as it's too hot to stand in the kitchen and cook, plus, restaurants have a/c. I know it's horrible and yes, I've BBQ'd LOTS, but the kids are about to turn into hot dogs and quite honestly my shoes are starting to melt to my kitchen floor, so yea, I'm all about going out for dinner. I called my mom the other day while I was sitting in the mini van with the a/c cranked on high. Of course I'm complaining and crying about how hot it is and what does she say? What does this Mother of mine who abandoned me and moved to Idaho when they retired, leaving their daughter all alone in the world (except for my husband and boys and in-laws) but Whatever! Guess what she has the guts to say to me?! "Oh geez honey, we don't even have air conditioners in Idaho, it's always so cool here." WHAT THE F@#! Yes, so moral of the story is, get you a/c fixed, don't complain to people who live in states where they don't need a/c and by all means, the most important thing I've pulled from this experience... Live your life on the straight and narrow. Going to Heaven means living in perfect climate control living in Hell means living in my house RIGHT now! I've just finished watching Julie and Julia, the cutest movie ever about a woman who loves to write and cook and how she cooks and blogs her way through Julia Childs cookbook in 1 year. As someone who loves to write, I've decided to challenge myself and write a blog entry pretaining to my life, my kids, vacation, school, whatever is happening. From brokem arms to school plays, marriage to cooking, drinking and whining! I'm not so big on cooking but I love my kids and my family and I love to make people laugh so here we go.
Some enteries will be a Mom quote of the day, some may be stories , some jokes. Some will be hilariously funny, some sad, who knows. Hopefully one is about me winning the lottery! So here we go, read, don't read, but hopefully as a mom you can enjoy and take comfort in that fact that all women raising children are living in chaos! Beautiful, lovely, funny chaos. So cheers to the next 365 Days of Mom! |
AuthorBeing the CEO of chaos while raising 3 boys helps Nancy find inspiration & humor in everyday life. She is an aspiring author who loves anything that sparkles! Glitter, bubbly, laughing & raising her kids are her favorite things. Archives
July 2021
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