And so it starts. Halloween 2020, which let's be honest, no one frigging' knows what to expect. Trick or treaters? Dark, empty streets filled with the ghosts of children from years past. Haunting empty laughter that is coming from no one and nothing OR maybe kids will be brave and trick or treat. What that means in a year of Covid I'm not totally sure, maybe adults launching bags of goodies from the safety of their porches 6 feet away. Either way, it's going to be a Zombie Land this year. I mean, picture kids that usually travel in bunches of 10-15 deep now standing 6" feet apart. Maybe we should all dress as zombies this year.
All I know is that it is October 1st and in our house that means all the Halloween decorations come down from the attic and all the flowers in the house get switched out from the vibrant white and summer yellow to the more ominous deep browns, purples and hunter greens that flank the pumpkins and body-less skeleton heads on my mantle.
This year I had quite the "trick" that I never, ever, ever expected. And I can honestly say, I have never, ever, ever gagged before but this year, this Halloween 2020, has taken this mom down to the core of her existence with the grossest, most vile Halloween surprise that any Easter Bunny could ever put upon a human being.
Oh yeah, you heard me correctly, that fucking Easter Bunny took me down this Halloween season. So here it is, Saturday, a.k.a. "Mom! Let's decorate for Halloween!" Come on...any woman alive understand that this really means "MOM! Let's pull all the Halloween stuff down so we can pull it out of the bins, set everything on the table. Get all excited for 5 minutes, then leave to go play video games with our friends while Dad goes outside to piddle around with the pool leaving you all alone to decorate." Mmm hmm. You and I both understand each other...that's why we're friends.
So, not a big deal. To be honest my husband rocks at making the outside of our house look like zombies are trying to escape from hidden bunkers under our front yard. But me, good old Mom, yup, she's in charge of making the inside of the house look magical and scary. OH...but not too scary 'cause that's bullshit and no one wants to sleep on the floor in their kids room for the entire month of October because the house is too scary. Oh, and no one wants the house to be too magical because Harry Potter doesn't' actually live here and no house filled with boys should have that much glitter around. FUCK!!!
Anyway, so I start with the usual taking down of my normal decorations. Putting away the summer-colored flowers and start with the annual switching of the home from Summer to Fall. White fake flowers out-purple and Fall fake flowers in. I go to the closet and pull down my arrangement of deep purple hydrangeas mixed with deep brown and orange fall leaves. Super pretty, but wait, what? I grab the arrangement when I suddenly hear a loud "POP!" Like the boys hid a balloon in the stems of the fake flowers and my thumb touched it and somehow made the balloon explode.
(Insert gag noise)
"Wait! What the actual fudge nuggets is that fudging smell?!!!"
(insert deep-visceral gag noise. The one that comes from the depths of your soul)
"Oh no! That's not right! Why would a balloon pop that loud? What's that smell?!"
(More deep-body heaving gags emit from Mom)
"Why the Mother Fudger is my hand wet!??"
(Mom now doubled over in a dry-heaving pile of what was once a human being.)
"Why the fuckity-fuck-fuck is there slime on my carpet? And why did the balloon explode with gold writing on it?"
(Mom now standing over the toilet and dry heaving so badly her eye are watering. She screams...)
"Babe!!! I think I (gag) found the (dry heaving) missing (gags so hard she swallows her own vomit) missing Easter egg!"
So there you go. Apparently the f-ing "Easter bunny" decided to hide on egg in the bottom of a silver (not see-through) vase. Maybe if the Easter Bunny had gone to bed at a normal hour and wasn't up until 2 am making sure 3 kids were asleep so he could hide his frigging eggs he might have had the sense to put them someone the kids would find them, oh you know, NOT 6 months later!
Anyway, I threw away the carpet. Threw away the beautiful deep purple and orange hydrangeas that I bought at Joann's fabrics when they had a sale. Yup. Goodbye carpet, goodbye fake flowers, hello to the smell of a 6 month old rotting egg that did I mention we smelled and thought a mouse had died in our home so we hired a pest control service, you know, 6 mother f-ing months ago.
Anyway, that one egg cost maybe $.25. My carpet $45, pest control $110....moral of the story...I found the most expensive egg that's ever been left in my house. But hey, nothing a can of Fabreeze and a hazmat suit can't fix, right?
All I know is that it is October 1st and in our house that means all the Halloween decorations come down from the attic and all the flowers in the house get switched out from the vibrant white and summer yellow to the more ominous deep browns, purples and hunter greens that flank the pumpkins and body-less skeleton heads on my mantle.
This year I had quite the "trick" that I never, ever, ever expected. And I can honestly say, I have never, ever, ever gagged before but this year, this Halloween 2020, has taken this mom down to the core of her existence with the grossest, most vile Halloween surprise that any Easter Bunny could ever put upon a human being.
Oh yeah, you heard me correctly, that fucking Easter Bunny took me down this Halloween season. So here it is, Saturday, a.k.a. "Mom! Let's decorate for Halloween!" Come on...any woman alive understand that this really means "MOM! Let's pull all the Halloween stuff down so we can pull it out of the bins, set everything on the table. Get all excited for 5 minutes, then leave to go play video games with our friends while Dad goes outside to piddle around with the pool leaving you all alone to decorate." Mmm hmm. You and I both understand each other...that's why we're friends.
So, not a big deal. To be honest my husband rocks at making the outside of our house look like zombies are trying to escape from hidden bunkers under our front yard. But me, good old Mom, yup, she's in charge of making the inside of the house look magical and scary. OH...but not too scary 'cause that's bullshit and no one wants to sleep on the floor in their kids room for the entire month of October because the house is too scary. Oh, and no one wants the house to be too magical because Harry Potter doesn't' actually live here and no house filled with boys should have that much glitter around. FUCK!!!
Anyway, so I start with the usual taking down of my normal decorations. Putting away the summer-colored flowers and start with the annual switching of the home from Summer to Fall. White fake flowers out-purple and Fall fake flowers in. I go to the closet and pull down my arrangement of deep purple hydrangeas mixed with deep brown and orange fall leaves. Super pretty, but wait, what? I grab the arrangement when I suddenly hear a loud "POP!" Like the boys hid a balloon in the stems of the fake flowers and my thumb touched it and somehow made the balloon explode.
(Insert gag noise)
"Wait! What the actual fudge nuggets is that fudging smell?!!!"
(insert deep-visceral gag noise. The one that comes from the depths of your soul)
"Oh no! That's not right! Why would a balloon pop that loud? What's that smell?!"
(More deep-body heaving gags emit from Mom)
"Why the Mother Fudger is my hand wet!??"
(Mom now doubled over in a dry-heaving pile of what was once a human being.)
"Why the fuckity-fuck-fuck is there slime on my carpet? And why did the balloon explode with gold writing on it?"
(Mom now standing over the toilet and dry heaving so badly her eye are watering. She screams...)
"Babe!!! I think I (gag) found the (dry heaving) missing (gags so hard she swallows her own vomit) missing Easter egg!"
So there you go. Apparently the f-ing "Easter bunny" decided to hide on egg in the bottom of a silver (not see-through) vase. Maybe if the Easter Bunny had gone to bed at a normal hour and wasn't up until 2 am making sure 3 kids were asleep so he could hide his frigging eggs he might have had the sense to put them someone the kids would find them, oh you know, NOT 6 months later!
Anyway, I threw away the carpet. Threw away the beautiful deep purple and orange hydrangeas that I bought at Joann's fabrics when they had a sale. Yup. Goodbye carpet, goodbye fake flowers, hello to the smell of a 6 month old rotting egg that did I mention we smelled and thought a mouse had died in our home so we hired a pest control service, you know, 6 mother f-ing months ago.
Anyway, that one egg cost maybe $.25. My carpet $45, pest control $110....moral of the story...I found the most expensive egg that's ever been left in my house. But hey, nothing a can of Fabreeze and a hazmat suit can't fix, right?